“I Know You Are, But What Am I?” and 5 Other Thoughtful Points From Tonight’s Presidential Debate

By Megan Dang

ATLANTA, GA — Joe Biden and Donald Trump are beloved by all for their intelligence and virtuousness, so the nation was expecting no less than a tasteful, respectful, and thought-provoking discussion at tonight’s presidential debate. Our candidates, who have famously never disappointed anybody, did not disappoint! Here were some of the most nuanced arguments made tonight. 

  1. “I know you are, but what am I?”

Americans watched with bated breath after Biden expertly defiled Trump’s previous administration by eloquently calling him a “stupid poo-poo butthole face”. But Trump silenced Biden with this absolute zinger, giving everyone some meditative food for thought. 

  1. “Let me check the darn store for some darns to give… oh no, looks like they’re fresh out of stock.”

Trump really let the audience contemplate on this one. The only thing that would have made his clapback more effective is if he wasn’t referring to anti-abortion laws. 

  1. “Piggybacking off of that, I’m going to play the devil’s advocate and flip this around for a second…”

Absolutely no point was made. But it sounded pretty smart, I think. Put these two bulldogs in a To Kill A Mockingbird: Chapters 12-25 Socratic Seminar and some high school sophomores would leave with tears and freshly-pissed pants, that’s for sure!

  1. “Nuh-uh.”

Whew! This one was controversial. A collective gasp sounded from the audience and Americans wondered if Biden might rescind this incendiary, provocative statement. Even Kamala Harris signaled a frantic “backtrack and start talking about how much you love veterans” bird call from the audience, indicating that Biden had gone too far. But he didn’t back down, standing his ground on this shockingly polarizing point. 

  1. “Oh, I’m a bitch, Donald? Well, a bitch is a female dog, dogs bark, bark grows on trees, trees are a part of nature, and nature is beautiful. So really, you just called me beautiful.”

This read made Kendrick’s diss track look like the Barney theme song. A mic dropped somewhere in the CNN Studios when Biden unleashed this thinker. Or maybe that was just the sound of senile flatulence from the stage. 

  1. “I’m sorry I called you stupid. If I have nothing nice to say, I shouldn’t say it at all.” 

Trump narrowly avoided spanking and a time-out with this powerful concluding statement as he looked at the nodding debate moderator with teary eyes. CNN then forced Trump and Biden to make friendship lanyards and sing the “Best Friends Always Get Along” song to make sure nobody’s feelings were hurt too badly by tonight’s cutting, intellectual verbal warfare.