Brightspace to Add 30 Second Unskippable Ads

By Alex Choy

THE INTERNET – In order to stave off bankruptcy, the University of Spoiled Children will be adding video advertisements to its “learning platform,” Brightspace.

The University reported that the Brightspace Advertisement Pilot Program (BAPP) was a massive success, boasting a 96.7% approval rate among student volunteers. “I was trying to submit my WRIT 150 essay,” recalled architecture freshman Bill Ding with tears in his eyes and a bright big smile, “and all of a sudden, Brightspace is telling me I can save up to 50% on my next order with Uber One! I ended up submitting that paper late and finished the semester with an F, but now my next two meals have free delivery!” DPS later decided that Ding’s message wasn’t “genuine” enough, so he was promptly removed from campus and blown up by the administration’s big evil space laser.

Some opponents criticized the changes, but ITS assured students that they would still be able to watch optional 90-second ads in order to skip the waiting period on their financial aid loot boxes, or use TrojanBux™ to pay $67.99 (plus tax) per month for Brightspace+ Premium Max, removing ads from the site semi-entirely.

“This is just one of many necessary money-saving changes we’ll be instituting here at USC,” said Interim Provost Born-Again Kim. “We’re also firing all the poor people, like janitors, drama professors, and everyone who lives in Pardee Tower.” When asked how these people will be able to support their families, Kim simply laughed and shut the door to his secret Bel-Air mansion in our interviewer’s face.

Unfortunately, since the announcement was posted to Brightspace, nobody actually fucking read it.