by Chai Karve
USC — University President C.L. Max Nikias shrugged his shoulders in defense and put down his thick cigar when pressed about USC’s recent tuition hike. Nikias claimed that USC’s tuition, which topped $50,000 for the first time, was not meant to be an affront to the students who call this place home and bear the burden for the rest of their lives – it’s just business.
“Look, we run a tight ship here,” said Nikias. “An expensive, glittery, over-constructed, bureaucratic, beholden, swag-infested, controversy-avoiding, yacht-like ship.”
Despite student complaints, C.L., which stands for Crime Lord, adopted the traditional mob policy of “fuggedaboutit”.
“When it tops $60,000 in 4 years,” added Nikias, “You’ll forget you were ever this mad about $50,000, kahunas.”
Despite charging more than top-ranked institutions like Harvard, Yale, or the best state penitentiary, USC continues to stress its desire for diversity.
“We want all kinds of wiseguys to send their kids here,” commented Nikias. “Families who make $300,000 a year. $200,000 a year. Hell, I’ll go as low as 100,000 clams a year.”
Nikias stuck to his guns, and the self proclaimed goombah Trojan left for the weekend to blow off steam the best way he knew how – cockfighting.