Opinion: This Gold Calf Is Fucking Awesome, Should Be Our New God

By Bill Rockas

PORTLAND, OR – Veal fever has hit America as more and more citizens are correctly adopting a singular, golden calf as their new almighty God.

The golden calf was created after Kickstarter user “god-skeptic32_1” asked all interested parties to donate their gold ornaments for a statue smelting shindig. Though the post was befuddling, the results speak for themselves. This calf’s the best! He’s shiny. He’s gold. He makes people think of cows. He fucking rules! Why shouldn’t he command the Heavens and Earth in perfect harmony?

Dissenters will tell you that our new adorable cow friend is a false idol; however, they are deeply mistaken. Chief among them is Christine Hibblesplot, president of the Christians Against Golden Calfs Committee. She daftly states “This misconception is clearly warned against in Exodus! If you recall, the Israelites-” YAWN! What else does she have to argue? “This is a test to not stray from God’s path. We must remain faithful and praise his holy name.” Uh yeah, okay… I’ll believe Him when I see Him. And if I do, I bet he won’t be half as shiny and gold as my best cow buddy.”

Since his forging, war has ceased, tolerance has spread, and all have been united under an undying love for our solid, 1000 karat best friend. He is special to each and every person and because of this, he goes by many names (i.e. Chunky, Reginald V. Applebottom, or even the Moo Man). Even without a consensus on his name, the world is truly a better place with our one true idol. As long as no one sneaks in at night, breaks him and melts him back down, humanity should be a-okay!