By Joshua Wolk
While elitist Republicans and Democrats wax lyrical about serving local businesses, I reckon it’s time that we patriots stand up and proclaim our disdain for these lazy, unambitious small business owners. They are nothing but a prick in the side of the multinational conglomerates that seek to serve us good honest folk. Just as you would swat away a mosquito feasting on your blood, we ought to swat away every corner store and ‘authentic’ restaurant that comes vying for our tax-payer nickels and dimes.
We live in a nation built on consistency. A yard is a yard and a pound is a pound no matter what ZIP code your beach villa is in. Our god-given country would be up in arms if it were any other way. Yet for some inexplicable reason, we don’t hold the same expectation for the providers of our goods and services. Every barber shop should be a Great Clips, every pizza parlor should be a Domino’s, and every hardware store should be an Ace because, goddammit, Ace is the place with the helpful hardware folks!
I also must emphasize the incestuous nature of small business. They are literally “family-owned.” What is this, the mafia? At least the godfather doesn’t beg for government Covid-19 relief grants. Nepotism ought to be restricted to federal politics, and federal politics only. Logistically, JFK had no choice but to appoint little Bobby Kennedy as Attorney General. They were dating the same woman! The same can’t be said for a one-pump gas station in Indiana that doesn’t even stock blue raspberry ICEEs.
I’m sick and tired of hearing about the shuttered mom-and-pop shops when pop should’ve divorced mom long ago in pursuit of a younger, more invigorating woman. This failure in character depicts the same lack of drive that hinders global corporate expansion.