Firing Of Helton Fails, USC Resorts To Bioterrorism To Shift Odds

By Sarah Cortina and Alexandra Ornes

The “weekender” has become the “10 days, given symptoms do not change or new ones do not arise,” for members of the Berkeley football team, resulting in the cancellation of the game. An anonymous member of the Trojan Family whose name rhymes with Barol Dolt carried out the act stating, “We really had no other options. We couldn’t lose with so many people going upstate for the weekender, so I dressed as a bear and fucked the mascot. Then he high fived all the players. It worked really well.”

Photo by Anthony Hall on Unsplash