Top 8 People You Found Out Were Catholic Yesterday

By Jackson Parker

LOS ANGELES, CA  — Yesterday, non-Catholics across the globe came together for their annual tradition of being mildly surprised at which of their peers bore a cross of ashes on their face. Here are the top eight most confounding, intriguing, and overall surprising smudgy foreheads that are sure to make you say “hmm. I mean it’s not a bad thing. That’s great if that’s their thing. I’ve got nothing against it. Just… hmm!”

8. Chris in Your Archeology Class

Whoa, Chris is down with consecration? Who’da guessed? His religious side seems a little hard to square with the “fat lines” he claims to do every weekend. Still, it’s pretty impressive he’s pulling a C in the class while refusing to admit dinosaurs existed.

7. Your Islamic Studies Professor

Now this one’s a puzzler. I guess it explains why the class has mostly focused on the pre-Mohammed parts of Islam. Still, it makes you question whether “pork is actually halal except on Fridays during Lent” is actually correct lecture material.

5. 41% of Sigma Nu Pledges

Who knew the lovely brothers of Sig Nu were such big JC fans? In hindsight that’s probably why they weren’t throwing last weekend – the Pope was in the hospital.

6. Your Car Mechanic

This one’s 50/50, he does tend to have grease on his forehead a lot. But let’s air on the side of caution and assume it’s a religious thing we should respect. We are from dust and to dust we shall return, brother! How much is that new alternator going to cost?

4. The Fun Yellowjacket At The McClintock Entrance 

Oh hell yeah! It’s definitely that Catholic spirit of giving that enables her to let it slide when you forget your ID sometimes. She definitely breaks out a mean rendition of the post-homily Apostle’s Creed during Lent, everyone buckle up.

3. Little Rock, AR Archbishop Anthony Basil Taylor

Actually that one makes sense.

2. Alex Ago

Aago showed off his excitement to kick off Lent by making his film symposium promo emails extra ashy yesterday, emailing his fan club that “The School of Cinematic Arts will o̶f̶f̴e̴r̶ ̸a̶ ̷v̷e̸r̴y̴ ̵s̵p̵e̷c̷i̵a̷l̴ ̸c̵o̶u̵r̶s̶e̶ ̸c̷a̸l̷l̸e̶d̷ ̸C̸T̵C̶S̶-̷4̸6̶6̸:̵T̵̪̈́h̶̜͊e̸̛̬a̵̻̅t̴̨͋r̷̥̒ĭ̸̟c̴̤͊a̴̮͠l̵̗͑ ̴̛͓F̸̼̏i̷̯̾ḻ̶͆m̸̻̆ ̴̞͂S̴̙̃y̵̨̍m̵̹̒p̸͙̕ọ̸͊š̸̫ī̷̟ṵ̶̾ḿ̵̰,̴̛̰ ̶̩͘ă̶̟ ̷͝ͅf̴̥̚ó̷̢u̶͎̅r̴̥͠-̶̼͝ų̵͒n̸̡͝i̵͕͊t̴͚̎ ̷͔͋e̵̜͠l̸̩̚ệ̸c̶̢͑t̸͎̑ i̵͇͒v̴̬͋ë̵̟o̷̘͓̭͋̄p̴̣̫͊̍̍̌e̵̮͕̐̕͘͝ṇ̶͚̬̈́̾̎ ̸̼̘̻̏̑̃̽f̷̡̛̭̍o̸͍͈͇͛̈͝r̸͓̼̣̺̈́̋̒ ̸̢̥͓̦̒͒̀e̸͕͓̮͂n̸̥̪̜͑́́͆ͅr̴͖̠̼̈́̒̿̋ó̶͎̬̦ͅl̶̳͚̣̦̅͑l̴̺̩͙̓͂m̵̬̗̭͛͝e̵͇̼̤͖͌ǹ̵̨͈̰t̴̡̺̩̎͌ ̷̥̱͈̋̔͒͝t̶̫͊̑̇o̷̭͇̹̩͐ ̵̺͖̓̈́̔A̶̛̠͊͛̀L̷̙͊͂L̷̥͚̟̘̕ ̷̦̞̓̈́͐U̴͎̍͝Ș̶̲͗͑̐̚C̶̲͔̲͋ ̵̼͓̾S̸̭͛T̵̥̠̜͊U̴̱̼̼̽̿̚̚D̶̻̔͑̏̈́Ȩ̵͙̮̈́Ń̶͇̥̝̈́͒T̸̜͐̓͠S̷̩̚ ̸̣̇̋̀O̴̜̦͇̣̊̽̓F̸͉̉͠͝ ̵̢͛͆̕A̴͚̟̱͐̒̈́N̸͚̜̋̅͛̈́Y̸̗̝͙̬͝ ̷̛̦̙̟͛̍̔M̸̛̮̙̝̝̓Á̶̢̜́J̵̮̜̤̗Ỏ̶̘̠̼͛͝R”

1. A Real Salt of The Earth, Stand Up Guy

Peter Goodman, humble fence manufacturer, summed up his decision to get ashed up post Mardi Gras: “I may not know much, and hey, I definitely don’t agree with everything the Church has stands for. But at the end of the day, these ashes on my forehead remind me not to get all high and mighty.