Cool Parents Point and Laugh at Lame-Ass Virgin Son

by Hannah Ceselski

ALHAMBRA, CA – Some people would consider having cool parents a gift. For high school senior Marcus Fitzgerald, being the son of Amanda and Dan “The Man” Fitzgerald is more of a curse, as they routinely point and laugh at him for being a pathetic virgin.

“I really don’t think it’s that big a deal,” said Marcus. “I keep telling them I’m only 17 and I have plenty of time, but then my mom calls me a ‘goose egg bitch’ and blows cigarette smoke in my face.”

While most parents would prefer their children wait until college or even marriage to be tastefully deflowered, there is only one thing that concerns Dan and Amanda more than chlamydia or teen pregnancy: social status, or as Dan “The Man” refers to it: “How bitchin’ are you on a scale of 1 to Evel Knievel jumping over a tank of sharks?”

“He’s such a square,” commented Dan “The Man” as he slicked his sexy hair back with a fine-toothed comb. “He’s never even touched a boob! Or stroked a cheek, which is the boob of the face.”

“I’ve met nuns with more game than this sissy,” said Amanda before performing a sick kickflip off a flight of stairs.

While some would consider Dan and Amanda’s tactics inappropriate or even cruel, the Fitzgeralds firmly believe in a policy of openness and honesty, even if being honest means telling their beloved and only son to “get bent, virgin loser!”

“Oh, and Marcus? One more thing,” said Dan as he climbed onto his ’67 Harley Davidson Sportster. “I banged your mom.”

He then sped off into the sunset, leaving behind a massive cloud of dust in Marcus’s face.