San Francisco Instagram Models Praise Eternal Golden Hour

By Jack Martino

SAN FRANCISCO, CA – As the wildfires burning on the West Coast bring low air quality and orange-colored skies, the question of climate change has hit the front page of social media yet again. One corner of social media, however, welcomes the apocalyptic hue: the Children of Clout.

The Children of Clout are a group of twenty Instagram models who have been awaiting the Eternal Golden Hour, a day when the sky burns a sunset orange the whole day and the number of “no filter” pictures taken is at a maximum.

“Our horoscopes all told us that the Eternal Golden Hour was near,” said Sister Lily with the Thick Thighs, Lord of OnlyFans, and Head Priestess of the Children of Clout. She was the first to post on Instagram about the event. “We were to post petitions and Instagram infographics on our stories and consume nothing but Starbucks for two weeks,” explained Sister Lily. “Sister Tori with the Blue Eyes was first to spot the sky, posting a quick selfie on her story. “We have all congregated here in front of the Painted Ladies for our internet-breaking photos. The Golden Hour has come. Yass queen. Rejoice.”

The sisters did indeed break the internet, with their glowing pictures getting spread around the internet like a 55 mile-wide Oregon wildfire. Collectively, the Children of Clout received over 6.8 million likes, 2.3 million comments, and 500,000 new OnlyFans subscribers.

The Children of Clout’s actions brought about a second group praising the orange skies: a group of men aged 17-71 affectionately known on the internet as “simps.” Grayson, a 23-year-old who was telling his friends about OnlyFans before it was cool, remarked, “Now that the Eternal Golden Hour has given me enough whacking material for quarantine, I fully support climate change. I made a pledge to personally dump trash in the ocean and divert the money I would donate to climate change relief to OnlyFans models instead. I believe many other guys feel the same way.”

The Children of Clout consider the Eternal Golden Hour a smashing success despite several sisters being hospitalized due to the low air quality.