by Jack Hackett
LOS ANGELES, CA — This week a seemingly delectable dessert took the lives of more innocent foodies. Morgan Cafe’s signature Chocolate Explosion cake killed 10 people on Tuesday.
When first responders arrived on the scene, they found the bodies doubled over with chocolate smeared faces and crumb-covered fingers. One of the bodies was found alone in a corner booth still clutching onto a half-finished M&M milkshake with the cherry left on the table, as if to never be eaten.
“There’s been a rise in the number of victims of the Chocolate Explosion cake,” explained Los Angeles Attorney General Xavier Becerra at the scene. “The death-toll has surpassed Death by Chocolate recipe numbers.”
Just this year alone, 55 people have been killed or hospitalized due to Chocolate Explosion cakes, and 189 people have been injured in all chocolate related incidents.
Police chief Charlie Beck weighed in on the recent rise in palatable problems: “The issue is that anyone can make these dangerous desserts domestically with common household bake-goods. To counteract, we are currently working on legislation to institute over-the-counter cake batter.”
Law enforcement officials are working around the clock to crack down on these dessert deviants. Experts are certain the deaths are directly tied to the sweetness and not the fact that all the victims just so happen be 200 pounds overweight or suffering from adult onset diabetes.
“I just wish we had more time,” cried the wife of one of the victims. “I knew I shouldn’t have let him look at the dessert menu. It’s all my fault! I should’ve said no! I should’ve said no…”
She jumped off the building and died. Her body splattered on the pavement like a snack-pack cup knocked off the picnic bench. It was nasty, disgusting, but somehow, extremely beautiful. She died for who she loved, and can you blame her? I won’t. I’m not into victim blaming. Not my M.O. But maybe it’s yours. Maybe we’re all different. I don’t know. I love you all.
I jump off a building and die–
JACK HACKETT was tragically killed in the field during the reporting for this story. Deep undercover at the Cheesecake Factory, Jack could not call for help when he was presented with a Reese’s Peanut Butter Chocolate Cake Cheesecake. His body was found early Tuesday morning. Funeral details are forthcoming.