Dehydrated Sorority Girl At Coachella Just Like When Jesus Went 40 Days Without Water

By Sarah Cortina

INDIO, CA — To culminate the most religious experience of the year for those who(se parents) can afford it, local girl Jamie Springs decided to put herself in the shoes of Him (the guy who lent her sneakers because she wore open toed shoes to a music festival) and also Jesus Christ.

After giving up her Black Amex for lent, Springs wanted to dedicate herself to her faith one last time by making the ultimate sacrifice: depriving herself of an $8 bottle of water while on psychotropic drugs. “It’s been like 23 days already. You know, if Jesus could do it, so can I.” As her drug of choice was DMT, the 40 days she thought she went without water was approximately 27 minutes, and she was able to continue her festival weekend free of Catholic guilt.