by Joseph Grazier
BEL AIR, CA – Following a night of heavy drinking at a “rich people party,” billionaire, philanthropist, and future space dictator Elon Musk has constructed a fully operational suit of fully electric powered armor resembling that worn by Tony Stark in the Iron Man series. Musk found the suit in a heap in his bedroom corner, along with an empty bottle of Jack Daniels and a half-smoked pack of Camel Crush cigarettes.
“I’m not really sure how it happened, to be honest,” said Musk, wearing a bathrobe and sunglasses at four in the afternoon. “Last thing I remember was making a bet with Mark Cuban over who could drink the most B-52’s.”
The astronomically hungover billionaire was “unsure” of the exact details of the bet, but was “pretty sure” he won after being informed of his new ownership of the Dallas Mavericks.
Fortunately, while Musks’ memory of the night was compromised, his girlfriend, model Danielle Odessa, was perfectly intact. “He got home and was totally blasted – I took his keys so he couldn’t drive again; his other car is in space so we’re down to just the one.”
After Musk got a “mad case of the drunchies,” however, he demanded his girlfriend return them – a request she refused. “Then he just kinda said ‘fuck it,’ and went into the garage for a couple hours.” Writing off Uber as “too expensive,” Musk built the Iron Man suit, which he used for a late-night run to Del Taco. “He didn’t even eat his food. I found him asleep on the couch with it in his lap,” noted Odessa. “He fell asleep watching Star Trek.”
While Musk insisted he has no “serious” plans to bring the suit to a consumer market, he did mention the possibility of adding Tesla Power Wall compatibility in the future. “Until then,” Elon sighed, “it’ll just sit in the garage with all the other side projects like the time machine,” motioning towards a bulky device covered with a painter’s tarp shoved into the corner.