Daniel Day Lewis Cast in Movie About Curing Cancer in Hopes He Will Actually Cure Cancer

by Seth Woodhouse

HOLLYWOOD, CA — Three time Academy-award winning actor Daniel Day Lewis is known for diving deeply in his roles, spending time in jail or staying in a wheelchair for an entire shoot to fully get into character. Now, Hollywood doctor and agent Dr. Drew Davis has an idea for Lewis’ next performance that should be able to knock out two birds with one stone.

“In the doctor community, we have been having trouble dealing with this whole cancer thing. No one seems to crack it,” said Dr. Davis. “And in the Hollywood community, we are always looking for inspiring stories about white men who are able to triumph against all odds. So I thought, why not cast Daniel Day Lewis in a movie about a guy that cures cancer so he’ll go full method and and actually cure cancer?”

Phantom Immunotherapy is the latest project from Paramount Pictures that is about to start production. In the film, Daniel Day Lewis plays brilliant scientist Dr. Hubert Kadiver who overcomes his abusive home life and alcoholism to find the cure for cancer.

“I love it,” Paramount CEO Jim Gianopulos exclaimed about the project. “With stories like how Daniel learned to box for The Boxer and built a canoe for The Last of the Mohicans, it makes perfect sense that he will learn to cure cancer to fully prepare himself for this role. Also, maybe we can actually be in the black on a project.” Gianopulos smile faded away after this last statement as he looked up at the sky mournfully.  

Paramount is set to hire Tom Hooper or Stephen Daldry or some other generic Oscar Bait white guy to direct the project.