Students Asked Not To Imagine Commencement As It Could Incite Violence

By Staff

LOS ANGELES, CA – With commencement now canceled, USC has asked that students stop engaging in imagining what it would be like.

“We made this decision for the safety of our students,” said President Carol Folt behind twenty layers of bulletproof glass with a carpet made out of scattered letters from the ACLU. “Our students are safer being bludgeoned to death by a parade of jackbooted thugs than listening to commencement speakers. But hey – we want to make things nostalgic so we are allowing the class of 2020 to fondly recall their high school graduation,” Folt’s technician then flipped a switch at the back of her neck so she could give her signature dead-eyed smile. She then stated her primary function was to escalate the tension on campus in order to look as important as the Ivy League schools. “New York Times today, a feature in the New Yorker tomorrow!”

Los Angeles Thought Police have been ordered to the scene to ensure there are no violations in the school’s order. Students will now be asked to show valid ID within their mind’s eye. This will provide them access to their daydreams. However, the dreams of a world with peaceful dialogue will be blocked off with conceptual caution tape and a guy in padded armor screaming “Turn back, buddy! Can’t go through here!”