by Rob Smat
PRESIDENTIAL HQ — After a hefty exchange of words between Lindsey Graham (R-SC) and Donald Trump (R-Trump Tower), Trump decided to release Graham’s personal phone number to the public in a televised press conference.
Graham’s phone number, reported to be (202) LUV-MRCA, was immediately checked and confirmed to be his actual phone number. Since that moment, his phone has begun to ring off the hook from both supporters and detractors alike.
But the story doesn’t end here. Graham soon realized, after attempting to ignore the calls, that he hadn’t changed his phone voicemail since Middle School. He has since begun to answer every single call that comes in to his phone, in one swift flurry of panic and distress to conceal this embarrassment.
“So my phone’s buzzing and I’m trying to work off my computer when BAM, it hits me, holy shit! That jackass gave my phone number out and I have no idea what my voice sounds like. I grab my aide’s phone and punch in my number, and out comes the most embarrassing awkwardness and collection of voice cracks I’ve ever heard. Like I said: holy shit, jackass,” noted Graham (R-SC).
This has indeed harmed his campaign, as supporters begin to wonder if a man who had such an awkward phase of puberty could ever hold public office as a grown man.
At press time, Graham (R-SC) was still on the phone with AT&T trying to fix the phone number issue. He has reportedly been on hold with them for a half hour, and is now being bounced around different promotional offers as they attempt to keep him on as a customer.
When asked if he wanted to change his voicemail, Graham (R-SC) blandly responded, “I’m a politician, not a pragmatist!”