99% of USC Students Crashing on 1% of Local Couches for the Next Week

by Rob Smat

NUPAC APARTMENTS — Rossie Jones stands on the sidewalk, staring up at a second floor window. Beside him, seven boxes of varying sizes, a lampstand, a bicycle, and a suitcase. He waits patiently.

“My buddy Franks said I could crash on his couch for the next couple days, in between my summer sublease and my new senior year apartment,” noted Jones. “I’m gonna try calling him again ‘cause it looks like he might have forgotten I was coming today.” Jones noted that he had set this plan in stone with Mr. ‘Franks’ two months previous with no mention since.

Only half a block away, Taylor “Franks” Jackson finds himself in a similar situation, standing beside 27 boxes of varying sizes of clothes, three suitcases, and a full haberdashery. He remarks, “Fryzone from Alpha Chi said I could crash at his place while he lives in the frat house for the week.” When asked where Mr. Fryzone was, Franks replied, “Coming. Probably.”

And on the other side of the street, yet another student in a similar situation stood, prepared to move his stuff. He goes by the nickname “Fryzone” for no apparent reason, and instead of explaining that phenomenon, he simply stated that he was waiting for a friend of his named Rossie to let him into his place for a “couple days.”

These fellas aren’t alone in their search. A recent CNN/ORC/PBS poll revealed that 99% of area residents are attempting to crash on the remaining 1% of available couches between the precise dates of August 5th to August 18th. Reports say that Greg from CHEM 103 still has half a couch open, and Tessa from Frisbee has a hammock in her living room, but that’s about it.

You could’ve snagged Lanie’s coffee table, but her boyfriend called dibs on it yesterday. And no, there’s nothing you can do about it. Sorry. But she wants to grab lunch sometime. I have no idea if that means she’s breaking up with him, why do you think I know anything about this?

So far, it’s estimated that 10% of the majority have secured a place to live for the two weeks between summer residences and school year residences. The remaining 89% are encouraged to continue looking, and if all else fails, to take up residence with their summer landlords who kicked them out July 26th without prior warning.

When asked for comment, these local landlords collectively stated, “If our residents want convenience, they can check into the goddamn Marriott for all we care.” At press time, this is exactly what had happened, because every USC student realized they could totally afford that for a couple weeks.