Wednesday Farmers Market Missing, Kale-and-Carrot Chip Levels Reach Dangerous Low

by Axel Hellman and Esmy Jimenez

MCCARTHY QUADRANGLE — Yesterday, USC students who had grown accustomed to buying organic produce and health-fad foodstuffs at the Wednesday farmers market on McCarthy Quad were shocked when the market was nowhere to be seen.

Students’ reserves of $7 low-fat kale-and-carrot chips and sugar-free cantaloupe gelato reached record lows.

Public health officials estimate that there was no artisan rosemary oregano Reggiano Parmesan olive-and-garlic sourdough ciabatta to be found anywhere on campus.

Three health-conscious freshmen were escorted to the Engemann Student Health Center after experiencing withdrawal symptoms.

Witnesses say that the students foamed at the mouth, spasming in agony after their systems were suddenly denied their usual papaya-avocado-banana smoothies.

One student that spoke with the Sack of Troy overheard a professor shout, “Where the [expletive] is my overpriced organic, non-GMO produce?!”

Sources close to USC’s administration suggest that the pupusa stand caused the market to be shut down.  “While it is not our intention to pooh-pooh pupusas,” Vice President for Community Relations George Bassakopolis said of the traditional Salvadoran street food, “the pupusa stand was attracting the wrong crowd, if you know what I mean.”

Sophomore none-of-your-business major Lillian Palmer brushed back a single tear as she admitted, “I just don’t know what I’m going to do without my weekly serving of vegan pupusas. It’s… It’s a terrible thing to experience and now my stomach is as desolate, barren, and empty as this quad.”