USC Names Bully Who Stole Your Lunch Money as New Head of Student Dining

By Margaret Danenhauer 

LOS ANGELES — Fight on Trojans! USC has named Joey “The Booger” Santonelli, better known as the kid who stole your lunch money and forced you to eat a rock once, as the new Head of Student Dining.

Joey, who dropped out of University of South Carolina last semester after what students are referring to as “the goat incident,” says the post-grad job search has been hard. “I got an interview with USC as a war crimes intern, and it was my first interview in months. I was starting to give up, but then I remembered that I’m a bully. And bullies never give up.” 

Things turned around for The Booger after a phone call with newly announced president of USC Rick Caruso. “We actually both went to Feeder School International County Day Intermediate of San Francisco! Small world. Turns out, he used to stand outside the lunch room with a knife and mug all the poor kids, I mean, what are the odds! So I told him about my past as an 8th grade bully, and he offered me the job straight up.”

Joey’s first move as Head of Student Dining? “Introduce the mandatory Flex 120 dining plan, which is triple the cost and has rocks in the food,” he chuckled. “For old times sake. And finally add bathrooms to the dining halls! But only for swirlies.