Confusing: Pope Reincarnated

By Staff

VATICAN CITY  — In a shock announcement Monday morning The Vatican revealed that Pope Francis has been reincarnated as a baby named Hugo in Papua New Guinea. Cardinal Kevin Farrell confirmed that this wasn’t a resurrection, which would be much more in line with established Catholic lore, he’s actually just a new guy now.

“Look, I’m as shocked as you are,” the Pope commented in baby sign language. “I totally missed the mark. I’m not saying Hinduism is 100% right but I’d definitely stop eating beef if I were you.” Pope Hugo then proceeded to scoot away on his Little Tikes Popemobile while sucking on his custom rosary binky.

When asked if they planned to elect a new Pope or if this is going to be a Dalai Lama type situation, the Vatican confirmed that the conclave will take place as scheduled. “We really like seeing the smoke come out of the smokestack,” Cardinal Farrell confirmed. “Plus JD Vance told us he’d tariff the shit out of Vatican City if we go with Francis again.”