Conservative Man Longs for Good Ol’ Days of Pangaea

By Charlotte Dekle

GARY, IN — In response to recent victories against DEI and multiculturalism in the Trump administration, local conservative man Scott Banks wishes we could just go back to the way things were 200 million years ago when the supercontinent Pangaea spanned the Earth.

“When Trump said Make America Great Again, I knew exactly what he meant,” Banks grumbled. “He meant returning to the Paleozoic and Mesozoic eras that were assembled from the continental units of Gondwana, Euramerica (formerly called Laurentia), and Siberia where the seas were dominated by rugose corals, brachiopods, sharks, and the first bony fishes.” 

Banks, non-consecutive two-term president of the Keep Pangaea for Americans Club in Indiana, believes that the world went downhill after the continental separation:

“My divorce didn’t even impact me as much as that break up. We were just much more unified then. Not just my wife and I, but the country and world too,” Banks said, while sobbing into his whale blubber burger.

“We’ve seen this reactionary Pangaeism before,” says Professor John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt of The Center for Pangaenic Studies, “We saw a similar increased interest after the Emancipation Proclamation, the passing of the 19th Amendment, the Civil Rights Acts, and Black Ariel. White men typically become very interested in Pangaea because it reminds them of a time where no homo sapiens — specifically no homo sapiens of color or queer homo sapiens or women — existed. It doesn’t really matter that they didn’t exist either. It’s heaven for them. It’s like the Roman Empire for people too pussy to actually survive in the Roman Empire.”

Banks hopes that he starts a movement advocating for more unity in the world, which he says starts with reuniting the continents: “I don’t want any goddamn foreigners though. It’s un-Pangaean.”