Candidates’ Knowledge of Wind Still Key Issue For Undecided Voters

By Prerika Chawla

CEDAR RAPIDS, IOWA — With just a few days to go before election day, there are still plenty of people who are undecided about the candidate they will vote for: Trump, Biden, or Kanye West? The final debate helped some make their decision, but others still grapple over the candidates’ argument regarding wind.

During the debate, Trump claimed to know much more about wind than his opponent, Joe Biden. And this claim actually seems to be completely driven by facts: it is well-known that Trump exclusively addresses reporters under the gust of his beloved presidential chopper. Furthermore, sources report that Trump’s comb-over also serves as a wind vane on a breezy day. 

Given Trump’s extensive experience with wind, some single-issue voters are now wholeheartedly ready to vote for him. “Trump’s knowledge just blew me away!” exclaimed Steve Michael, a failing comedian. “Now filling out the ballot is going to be a breeze. I’m his biggest fan!” 

Meanwhile, some are still suspicious of his claims. “Sure, Trump may know more about the wind as a businessman,” says Ken Stroop, a self-employed taste tester. “But Biden released his tax returns, so he’s probably not hoarding extra wind for himself.”

Many undecided voters still feel their concerns haven’t been addressed. “Look, I was fully prepared to have made a decision after that debate. But you know, I don’t really know.  They’re both very similar candidates, and I’d like to hear a little more about their opinions on the wind which has largely been ignored in this race. I think we need one more debate,” rambled undecided voter Sarah Logan at Starbucks, deciding if she wanted her latte hot or extra hot. 

We also heard from another undecided voter, John Paisley, who was utterly confused. “Again, I’m not an undecided voter,” he said. “I’m a libertarian, voting third-party.” Hopefully in the next few days, Trump and Biden make some more substantial comments about their opinions on wind that will help directionless voters like John make a decision.