By Rachel Michelman
LOS ANGELES, CA – In an unfortunate mishap, the only apartment in the USC area with a detachable shower head is owned by a man.
The aforementioned apartment belongs to Andrew Collins, a man clueless to the true property value of his apartment and to where any female sex organ is located. “My landlord told me I was one of 1,203 people who applied for the apartment — and the only man,” said Collins. “I don’t know why, but I have flustered women knocking on my door all hours of the day, asking to spend thirty seconds to an hour in my shower. They always say how wet they get.” He paused, and raised his arms in confusion. “Like, duh! It’s a shower.”
Many of the female visitors note that the apartment’s pièce de résistance is a game changer. “The pulsating feature is so… nice,” commented Maria Prost, one of the apartment’s visitors, while laughing nervously. “Screw the California drought. I’m going to shower until I’m finished… cleaning myself!” Annie Reynolds, another frequent visitor, mentioned, “I love the five speeds — I mean, settings. Why have underwhelming sex with my boyfriend while he pumps in rhythm to Drake and Tame Impala when I could just come here?”
Out of the 1,203 individuals who applied for this Stuho apartment, 10 were allowed to tour before Collins was approved. “It’s just not fair!” commented Abby Madden, one of the few women who received a tour. “I sent in everything the landlord requested. My social security number, the security deposit, and my proof of employment. I even went the extra mile and sent him what vibrator I currently use. His only response? A ‘U up?’ text at two in the morning the next day and NO lease offer!”
To combat the higher water bills and the strange amounts of moans heard from the bathroom’s visitors, Collins plans on charging visitors per minute spent in the shower. Collins has also asked out many of the visitors, only for them to reject him because he is unable to accomplish what his showerhead is able to: female pleasure, of any kind.