Student Stuck Home Over Summer Claws at Window Like Trapped House Cat
by Jack Hackett and Chai Karve
CUPERTINO, CA — Thinking it was a good idea, rising junior Maddox Hamilton decided to spend one last summer living it up with his parents back home. After his fifth night straight playing the 1987 version of Trivial Pursuit, Hamilton began losing his grip on reality.
Hamilton was reportedly seen clawing at a large window like a house cat trapped indoors, longing to return to the outside world. He stared at passersby, hoping they’d save him from this prison.
“I can’t take it anymore,” muttered Hamilton to himself as he clawed. “I can’t re-explain my critical studies major to my mom anymore. I have to get out.”
Hamilton hoped to spend some quality time with his high school friends in the old stomping grounds, but none of them were home since they all took unpaid internships far, far away from Hamilton’s hell-hole.
“I don’t know what he was thinking,” stated close friend Jai Harve. “I warned him going home would be a mistake. I’m sure he’s gone crazy being locked up in that house for three months.”
With no friends around, Hamilton decided to use summer break for a little R&R, but he didn’t realize living in close proximity to his parents would have permanent, disastrous effects on his psyche. At first, Hamilton’s cat-like behavior didn’t alarm his parents, but when he began pooping in a box and scratching up the living room couch, they took notice.
“I’m starting to forget my own name,” purred Hamilton. “In fact, the other day I meow meow meow meow meow…”