By Jackson Irvine
LOS ANGELES, CA — Since USC reimplemented the shared Lyft ride system at the beginning of the year, the ever unappealing tandem Lyft bicycle doesn’t look so unappealing anymore. Students have been flocking by the hundreds to ride the goofy looking apparatus in the hopes that by facing forward, at least they won’t have to make awkward eye contact with a stranger in the backseat of a 2015 Kia Sorento at 1 a.m.
John Rosenthal, a computer science major, says the tandem Lyft bicycle is a huge plus. “Whenever I tried to start a conversation about hyperautomation in a shared Lyft, the other passenger tried to get out at the next stop light. Now, with the tandem bike, the wind is too loud for anyone to hear me.” Rosenthal attempted to demonstrate using the tandem bike with another student, but the smell of his unwashed ass caused the student to faint and fall off the bike.
While most students like Rosenthal are thrilled to avoid late night face-to-face contact in a stranger’s 2013 Toyota Prius, some are hesitant to use the mode of transportation. “I mean, it would be great for getting in a few extra gains on leg day, but I never learned how to ride a bike,” said business major Chad Finkley. “Sharing in general for me is really difficult. It’s not something I’m accustomed to and I’d rather just buy a Lyft Lux with daddy’s- I mean my father’s money.”
Others are more concerned about whether they’ll be able to stay upright on the tandem bike. “When it’s midnight on a Tuesday, I can’t hold the handlebars and my pen and a handle of tequila all at once,” said pre-law student Stacey Daniels, slurring her words as she managed to stumble over while sitting down. “I don’t think I’d be caught sober riding one, they’re so ugly.”
“This guy Chad though, he’s really cute, I’d ride a tandem Lyft bike with him. Do you know Chad? I think he studies child psychology… no, wait, he’s a business major. Whatever, same thing. Isn’t their homework, you know, business majors, like, coloring in coloring books or something? Like… I don’t know. Do you have a vape I could hit?” Daniels said drunkenly.
“And, like, it’s not a big deal to me anymore but when I caught my ex-boyfriend fucking Bobo the local circus clown under the bleachers at my water polo regionals — I mean, my REGIONALS — like, I wanted to fucking die. And I think that the tandem bikes reminds me of clowns and-” Daniels began crying as she continued trauma dumping. “-it’s even worse because the color of the bikes are purple and that’s Bobo’s favorite color.”
The good news for students is that most tandem Lyft bicycles are available 24 hours a day, unlike shared Lyfts, which finish service just as students are deciding if they want to have a fun night out (at 2 a.m.) or a chill night in (also at 2 a.m.).
While some are upset they can’t be suddenly smushed up against their future lover in a 2012 Ford Escape, the tandem Lyft bicycle provides the perfect, whimsical Dr. Seuss-style transportation alternative others are looking for. “Stupid purple clown bike,” Daniels said as she attempted to ride the stupid purple clown bike. However, the stench of Rosenthal’s unwashed ass was still embedded in the seat cushion, causing her to fall and break her half-drank handle of Jose Cuervo.
Tandem Bike By Kevin Harber is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0