Depressed Groundhog: “Who Cares?”

By Izzy Ster

PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA — This morning, America’s beloved Punxsutawney Phil refused to leave his burrow citing his lack of interest in things he previously enjoyed. “I just don’t see the point. I’m just fucking replaceable. I die and I’m swapped out. They give the next guy the same name and no one cares to see the fucking different. I’m a cog in the machine. I’m just like the baby in The Rehearsal,” said Punxsutawney Phil in between puffs of a Marlboro Red. Phil proceeded to explain that he has to deal with seeing his shadow every day of my life. “It’s a darkness that envelops me every day of my cursed existence. I just miss her, you know? I know I should reach out to her instead of burrowing up for 364 days out of the year, but it’s not my fault commitment issues are a symptom of seasonal depression.”