Study Finds That Porn Creates Unrealistic Expectations For Pizza Deliveries

By Bill Rockas

JACKSONVILLE, FL – Researchers at The Institute For Hookup Discovery have found that 90% of porn watchers believe that every pizza delivery will end in a wild, carnal, sexual encounter.

The study includes detailed explanations from the subjects and how they attempt to manifest the reality seen in porn. Many admit to renting out a cheap studio apartment and adorning a dry bathrobe when they’re in the mood. After ordering their pizza, they anxiously mutter and swear to themselves, trying to craft their trite one-liner about adding extra large sausages, coming in over thirty minutes, or stuffing a crust before their knight in company approved attire arrives. 

When asked if the ritual ever results in sex, subjects either responded “no” longingly or a coy “Maaaaayyyybeee” which reportedly translates to “no but I refuse to admit that my advances were rejected.” Researchers have found no accounts of harassment in these exchanges but a definite disappointment for the misled customers.

The Pizza Boy Delivery Union has been citing the new study as groundbreaking for identifying the stigma associated with the profession. “We have an intense passion for our low wage vocation and the porn industry has only complicated our pursuit to deliver a saucy cheese pie” proclaimed the 19 year old Noah Mekels, an outspoken member of the union. Noah continues a family legacy dating back to the 1700s of pizza dispensation and sees the myth as purely harmful. “I can’t just change who I am. I was born a pizza boy, so the stereotype works against my nature. Anytime I’m on duty and someone looks at me, I can just tell that they’re expecting me to be their token sex pot. It’s like the male gaze but way worse,” adds Noah.

Despite this cycle of despair, there’s still hope. Pizza boy Liam Sewl’s story has become an inspiring tale that stands in contrast to those of unrequited sex. Liam was delivering an order of only breadsticks to Phil Vaughntonshiresonkenmen when Phil complimented Liam’s skill without knowledge of the sexual fallacy. Liam was smitten and proposed to him right on the spot. Their wedding is to take place in a month and Liam plans to take Phil’s last name.