Local 7 Year Old Caught Funneling Lemonade Stand Profits To Somalian Paramilitary Group
By Gitika Pahwa
FAIR HAVEN, VT – Local parents are in shock following news that a Lincoln Elementary 2nd grader’s lemonade stand was fundraising for Somali paramilitary group Al-Shabaab.
The FBI raided seven year old Timothy “Timmy” Smith’s home this morning, waiting to escort him outside until after he had finished potty time. They were tipped off by next door neighbor Sharon Jones, who accidentally received a thank you card addressed to Timmy.
“It said it came from a man named Ahmad Umar, which was strange because people from around here don’t usually know these kinds of people!” she laughed. “I opened the card and it was thanking Timmy for his generous contribution to jihad.” Following a nervous laugh, Mrs. Jones added, “Also, I just meant Mr. Umar had a funny name! I’m sure he’s a very nice man. Can you put that in the article?”
Timmy’s troubling online presence reveals how he was radicalized on Tik Tok, a platform Al-Shabaab’s PR team focused on heavily this past year. It only took a few sponsorships and viral dance videos for them to land on Timmy’s For You page. Peggy Smith, Timmy’s mother, wonders if she is to blame for the current situation. “I went back to work last year. It must have been so hard on him. Do you think I pushed him away?”
Fair Haven resident Ken Richards contributed to Timmy’s lemonade stand fundraiser, along with dozens of other neighbors. His Change.org petition for refunds has already received 100 signatures. “I was shocked to hear that my money went to such a violent, radical organization,” he said. Richards is Chair of the Fair Haven QAnon chapter and was recently indicted for his role in the Capitol Riots.
Timmy’s legal team negotiated his transfer to Guantanamo Bay with guaranteed blankie and iPad privileges. We were unable to contact his family and neighbors due to a targeted airstrike of the Smith home at press time. The US Government maintains that no civilians were harmed.