By Izzy Ster
LOS ANGELES, CA – The widely-popular show, The White Lotus, announced that its upcoming third season will be set at the Lorenzo.
“I visited USC during a business trip last fall. I was supposed to lead a panel in CTCS 467,” said show creator Mike White. “Much to my dismay, I mistakenly boarded a bus with a lion on it, and I ended up at this terrible, awful place called Lorenzo. I knew instantly our third season had to take place there. I mean, it’s satirical in of itself.”
White also teased potential characters entering the show, including an overtly-wealthy guy from your GE Economics class who wouldn’t stop mansplaining Roe V. Wade to you, four girls who met in their freshman dorm who only have drinking in common with one another, and, of course, the treasured “hotel manager,” lovingly known as the two men sitting at the desk in the Lorenzo’s lobby who turn a blind eye at the amount of people waiting for someone who actually lives at the complex to use the elevator.
Lorenzo occupant and self-proclaimed “life of the party” Toby Roberts shared he wasn’t surprised by the announcement. “Have you been to Lorenzo? You never seem to leave. I’ve been here since fall of my freshman year, which started in 2014. It’s like the Lotus Casino from the Percy Jackson books.” Fortunately, Roberts announced plans to relocate downtown at either the Orsini or the Medici.
The season is rumored to be sourcing PAs from CTPR 310 and extras from SCA Community’s Dramatic Arts Auditions. “It’s a dream come true,” freshman theater major Lily Underwood shared excitedly. “My big break could be me playing Jennifer Coolidge’s ghost’s stunt double!” Lily was also quick to remind whoever cared to listen that her chances were higher as a B.F.A. Theater major.
Fans are already speculating how this season’s death will take place, with top contenders being someone getting trapped in the hurricane machine in the lobby and suffering asphyxiation, the volleyball court turning into quicksand, or simply just being too stupid to navigate the Lorenzo labyrinth and dying from dehydration.