Goy Boss Alert: This Non-Jewish Person Wished Their Jewish Friend Happy Hanukkah

By Rachel Michelman

LOS ANGELES, CA – Groundbreaking social progress was made this holiday season when a non-jewish person wished their Jewish friend “Happy Hanukkah” at a candle-lighting kickback.

“Honestly, this is pretty unheard of,” said Sarah Levy, a woman whose bat mitzvah theme was “Yellow (by Coldplay).” She added, “Normally I get hit with the ‘Merry Christmas—oh shit! I forgot you were Jewish’ by Stephen, but ‘Happy Hanukkah!’? This cultural sensitivity is groundbreaking!”

Said Stephen is Stephen Holmes, a self-proclaimed “gentile gentleman” and fierce ally to his two culturally Jewish but “honestly probably atheist, I don’t really know” friends. 

Reportedly, an aid to Holmes’ memory was receiving a “4 years ago today” in his Snapchat memories of his sister’s best friend’s Bat Mitzvah.

He then proceeded to attend a Shabbat service and approach everyone in the congregation to wish them “Happy Hanukkah.” This year, he is taking big leaps to expand his horizons. “I’m just happy that this holiday season I’ve been invited to light the Hanukkah candles on all eight nights. I totally didn’t do this to get free gifts every night this week.” 

Holmes is being commemorated at this coming week’s Hanukkah service, where he plans to learn how to spell Hanukkah… or Chanukah…whatever, just don’t get me started on challah. 

“Man Looking at Candles” by Yaroslav Shuraev