By Sarah Cortina
PORTLAND, OR – This Thanksgiving, the Hywitesayviur family decided to rewrite the narrative (no not the discovering America one, the wishbone one) of a Thanksgiving tradition by yanking apart their daughter’s expired Kyleena instead of a wishbone.
Every year on Thanksgiving, families nationwide participate in tearing apart a bone, and each other, apart. However, this family That Is Better Than You Because They’re Vegan, has decided to reduce, reuse, and recycle their daughters expired IUD as it seems there is no bone in a tofurkey.
“Yeah I wanted to like, maybe make it into a funky earring ‘cause, you know, feminism or whatever. But it’s so nice that I can bring my family together,” revealed Jessica. She later declined to participate in pulling it apart, as she said it reminded her too much of her ex-boyfriend who “hated it because his dick was just too big” and “kept getting stab wounds.”
Jessica’s brother and father proceeded to yank it apart, her brother winning after finishing his dad off (not like that). He attributes this to his past experience with them, a result of him posting a singular infographic on women’s rights that one time.
‘Tis the season of stuffing! Even for Jessica, who has now decided to hit it raw (in accordance with her diet).