By Emily Torp
NAPLES, ITALY — After initially reporting they found an enormous whale carcass off the southern coast, the Italian Coastguard has clarified that the “whale” is actually a large seafood calzone.
The calzone was a whopping waterlogged three by four meters, oozing a mixture of shrimp and clams when it was pulled out of the Tyrrhenian sea by a double wide barge. One sailor, who had just taught his son the importance of not wasting food, took a bite purely on principle. Other sailors joined in for moral support, and noted that the calzone—despite having been at sea for at least a month and actively decomposing—still tasted delicious.
Massimiliano Menuci, Sorrento resident, was happy to comment on the incident: “At first, I thought maybe my neighbor Lucia was cooking her seafood boil again because it smelled like a million rotting fish. Turns out, l’odore (the smell) was coming from the sea. But Lucia could still be behind the stink, because she somehow always is.”
Lucia responded, “Mamma Mia. Che cazzo di uomo? Ami il mio bollire di pesce. E sí, ho fatto un grande calzone di pesce.”
(“Mamma Mia. What the fuck man? You love my seafood boil. And duh, I made the large seafood calzone.”)
Lucia’s son, Paolo, admitted that he accidentally released the large seafood item into the sea when he took his boat out to reenact a scene from Netflix’s critically acclaimed show, “My Octopus Teacher:” “Allora, the calzone, my lunch, fell into the sea when I was looking for an octopus to become my pet. I want to feel what it is like to be loved by a creature with eight legs. Polpo amore (octopus love)!”
Guido Betello, Italian marine biologist, says the calzone morphed into a whale-like substance due to the sea being “the perfect environment for a carbohydrate to fish mutation. The water was warmer than usual—due to all the toilets being closed within a two kilometer radius from the beach and tourists relieving themselves in the sea—causing the calzone to increase to ten times the original size and grow a brownish blubber.”
The Italian government, in a shared statement with Vatican City, is now asking citizens, but specifically Lucia, to stop cooking fish dishes until the remnants of the calzone can be collected off of the seafloor. The statement began by saying that minimizing the fish odor will just make everyone’s lives a little more bearable and a little less absolutely disgusting.
“Smettere di cucinare il pesce in italia. E dannazione Paolo. Nessun polpo te amerá mai.” – Papa Francisco.
(“Stop cooking fish in Italy. And God damn it Paolo. No octopus will ever love you.” – Pope Francis).