By Alexandra Ornes
WASHINGTON D.C. – After a month-long deliberation period and multiple grueling evening wear segments, Democrats have finally crowned Marjorie Taylor Greene as the new Miss Donald Trump.
“It was a really tough choice,” said head judge, Senate Majority Leader Chuck Schumer. “We had to delay the stimulus deal discussions in order to fully deliberate and make sure the best choice was made. Luckily, our Republican counterparts were very understanding and gave us as much time as we needed. It ended up being between Madison Cawthorne and Marjorie, but she really sold us with the whole Jewish Space Lasers thing. It made a great fundraising leaflet!”
Joe Biden, head of recruitment for the pageant, stated “They all smelled pretty good, but there was something special about Marjorie… like, like a fresh vanilla sundae, hand-scooped… at my childhood… ice cream… parlor.” Biden then became distracted from the interview and trundled off to the White House kitchen, presumably to get some ice cream.
“We are elated with the Democrat’s new choice for such an important position in our government,” said CNN spokesperson, Tim Malbeck, “The choice couldn’t have come soon enough. There are only so many unexpected animals becoming best friend stories that can be covered. Although she is a low-level member of the house of representatives, we guarantee we will devote 80% of our news coverage to her and her alone.”
“It’s an honor to take on the mantle of our supreme leader Trump, who is still President,” said Greene in her victory speech. “It took a lot of work to get to this point, so I really want to thank those who supported me through this process, including, but not limited to, Mitch McConnell, who acted as my personal stylist, Ted Cruz, who coached me in the interview section, and Alexandria Ocasio Cortez, for inspiring me to fight against her fascist communist-socialist anti-American Bolshevik ideals. I promise to represent all Americans who only voted for me in the best way possible and together we will make America great again… again.”
But not all Republicans were thrilled with the choice. “I put so much effort into my talent portion!” said Senator Josh Hawley. “I mean, how is inciting an insurrection not impressive enough for them? I’ll never be good enough!”