Baby Wearing Smashing Pumpkins Band Tee Can’t Name A Single Song

By Chelsea Levy

LONG BEACH, CA – Local music fan Jack Termino was appalled this past Sunday when he encountered 8-month-old Smashing Pumpkins “fan” Liam Wallace who couldn’t name a single song. “I was in line when I saw this kid wearing a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt. That’s one of my favorite bands so naturally, I asked what his favorite song was. He looked me right in the eyes and said nothing.” 

Liam Wallace was visiting Third Eye Records with his now-estranged mother Elizabeth Wallace who has declined to comment on the situation. According to family friend Jacqueline Mogush, “Lizzie couldn’t handle the embarrassment of living with Liam” who she deemed a “poser jackass” before kicking him out of the house Monday morning. Mogush also reports that Elizabeth often complained Liam was “too dependent and messy.”

4-year-old Meredith McCarthy who has been described as “Liam’s little girlfriend” came to his defense. “He’s just a misunderstood artist. When we fingerpaint, I don’t understand what he’s saying, but I know it has a deeper meaning. He’s a multimedia creative.” When asked about the age gap between the two of them, McCarthy shrugged and pulled out what appeared to be a candy cigarette before she lit it and inhaled. Wallace’s relationship with McCarthy points to potential drug use that could explain why his appearance has changed so much in recent months and why several people have described him as “growing up too fast.”

When asked to respond during a Zoom interview Liam declined to comment, but audibly farted and giggled, proving his level of unabashed disrespect for not just the sanctity of music but the sanctity of journalism. It was clear that his brain wasn’t fully there. Still, the community is waiting to welcome Liam back with open arms once he takes the necessary steps toward recovery from whatever issue he’s dealing with.