By Veronica Marks
LOS ANGELES, CA — Following weeks of letters, petitions, and protests to dismantle racial inequality at the University of Southern California, President Carol Folt has committed to the cause, announcing that the school will be breaking ground on the new “United Airlines Center for Diversity, Equity, & Inclusion.” The center will be two blocks from campus, in a space currently occupied by an apartment building with 12 rent-stabilized units, housing neighborhood residents that are probably super thankful about how hard USC is trying to be less racist.
“The Center is going to be a huge step forward for this university,” proclaimed Rick Caruso, Chair of the Board of Trustees. “We’re so excited to transform this antiquated building into a place focused on diversity.”
According to the University, the Center will be multi-purpose, home to new offices like the Office of Important Conversations, as well as spaces like the brand-new Auditorium for Necessary Discussions. There will also be an “Equali-tea” room with two couches, a box of Lipton tea bags, a jar of condoms, and a bookshelf that just has one really tattered copy of To Kill a Mockingbird.
“My family has been living in this neighborhood for three generations,” said Ada Velasquez, a resident of the recently purchased building. “It’ll be impossible for us to find another rent-stabilized apartment in Los Angeles. But it’s all worth it if Carol Folt can stop getting angry emails.”
Folt echoed the sentiment. “We’re building this center because we want to make it look like we care about the people of color who attend this university,” asserted President Folt. “And because we don’t even have to pretend to care about the ones that don’t.”
On the ground floor, the Center will also have a Starbucks.