By Jonathan Krone
JEFFERSON MIDDLE SCHOOL — Local sixth grader Jeffrey Sanderson cemented his status as the undisputed king of the playground on Tuesday, when he tossed a sphere further than anyone else in his entire class could.
His classmates stared in awe as the soccer ball sailed through the air and landed almost on the other side of the field. “It must’ve gone like 20 or 30 feet,” said seventh grader Angela Richards. “I was aroused and I don’t even know about sex yet.”
“That guy is a certified badass,” said eighth grader Ricardo Estevez. “None of us can even touch that kind of coolness.” Indeed, they could not. Several other kids attempted limp dick tosses, but none of them got even close to how far Sanderson was able to chuck it.
Even faculty members were stunned by the big dick energy radiating from young Jeffrey. Recess monitor Isaac Jackson remarked, “That 12-year-old is more masculine than I’ll ever be. I can only hope to have a fraction of the sheer animal magnetism that a ball-thrower like that can garner.”
At press time, a circle of girls surrounded Sanderson as he picked up a football and attempted to repeat his insane feat of athleticism.