By Drew Thomas-Nathan
ANAHEIM, CA — The streaming wars are heating up, and your entertainment overlords over at the Walt Disney Company have just entered the ring with Disney+! With all those Star Wars movies and Disney Princesses, the service is jam-packed with nostalgia. But did you know Disney+ has your fondest memories from before Mom died available on demand for just $6.99 a month? There’s more on the way, but here’s the memories that are available right now:
That Time Your Mom Sang You a Lullaby When You Were Afraid of the Dark (1963)
You were only two years old then. You couldn’t help it. You were used to sleeping in the same bed as your parents. Then, they put you somewhere new and cold and expected you to just fall asleep like normal? Yeah right. Of course you would seek your mom’s calming tones to soothe you into an infantile slumber. Mom may be gone now, but you can hear her classic lullabies all over again when you pay up for Disney+!
That Time You Fell Off the Swing and Mom Kissed the Boo Boo (1967)
The playgrounds were real dirty back then. Remember? None of the kids wore shoes either. It was a simpler time. A time when your mom could kiss the boo boo on your knee and you’d believe that love could heal all wounds. Too bad love doesn’t cure lung cancer. That would be magic, just like the magic of reliving your childhood exclusively on Disney+!
Your Grandmother’s Funeral (1969)
What were you, eight? To experience death then? You don’t immediately see it, but it changes a kid. The fact that your mother’s mother died. Watching her deal with that. The loss of a parent felt too far off for you, but you’d get your chance to reckon with it soon enough. Too soon… But it’s never too late to sign up for the special Disney+ bundle that includes Hulu and ESPN for only $12.99! What a deal!
Your Sister’s Bat Mitzvah (1971)
Even happy moments become tinted by their connections to tragedies. Your sister did a good job reading her Torah portion. She might have been making up the Hebrew, but she was playing it cool. Afterwards, everyone danced to whatever the 1971 version of “I Gotta Feeling” by the Black-Eyed Peas was. Aw man, your mom would have loved The Black-Eyed Peas if she had survived long enough to hear them. She was basic like that. You can see your mom dance the horah with the daughter she was proud of if you sign up for a free trial of DIsney+ today!
In hindsight it was pretty messed up of your own mother to plop you on that couch in the summer of ‘65 and introduce you to this cartoon about a mom who dies, just like your own mom would one day. You had it on a VHS tape. Remember those? Your kids sure don’t. They never had to rewind the tape every time they wanted to watch something from the beginning. Now you don’t have to rewind tapes either when you sign up for Netflix! Just kidding motherlover, of course Bambi’s going to be on Disney+! You gullible orphan, you!
Those are all the memories that will remind you of your mom’s transient life on Disney+! More greatest hits will continue to drop in future months, and we may even see prequel stories from your mom’s life before you were born! Rumors suggest the first installment would follow your mom as she experiments in college!