Male Student Distracted by Female Classmate’s Bare Shoulders

by Sara Swearingen

TAPER HALL, USC —  One fateful Tuesday morning, Logan Altman was taking notes in his law class when all of a sudden he looked up and immediately became distracted as a female classmate’s shoulders exposed themselves to him.

“She was just so… bare. I couldn’t focus. It was like I saw all of her,” Altman recalled bravely.

The girl in question, Sally Johnson, defended herself and her “fashion” choices: “It was 104 degrees outside so I wore a tank top,” she explained. “I honestly have no idea what the problem is.”

But Logan Altman did know what the problem was. He immediately left the classroom, frazzled, startled, distraught. He left in such a haste that he even forgot his trusty skateboard, but Altman knew he couldn’t risk returning to the classroom, not with Johnson baring all so brazenly.

“I can’t get those shoulders out of my head,” confessed Altman. “I think the image of them is forever imprinted on my brain.”

Data shows that women often dress inappropriately without any regard for their male classmates, an issue that the provost is taking action to address: “We are introducing a new finger tip rule for your tops: sleeves must at least reach your fingertips. It’s only fair to the boys. They can’t focus with you girls flaunting your shoulders about.”

Altman has been seeing a school counselor and meeting with anonymous support group Victims of Women’s Immodesty to help him cope with the incident.

Sara Linden

After spending her youth in the jungle of Missouri, Sara came to Los Angeles to become a screenwriter. She likes Ghostbusters, ice cubes, and self sabotage, but not all at once.

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