Man Didn’t Realize He Was Offering Sweatshirt as Collateral in Event of Break-Up

by Joey Rayburn

LOS ANGELES, CA – It’s going to be a chilly winter for one local man whose recent breakup brought more heartache than usual after the loss of his favorite sweatshirt to the woman he once thought he could trust.

Curtis Esposito was the proud owner of an American Eagle brand, light gray sweatshirt that he purchased in high school for $20. “That sweatshirt and I went through a lot together,” Esposito said. “It shielded me from the cold on brisk winter mornings. It was my blanket on nights where my bed seemed too far away. I even wore it to my little sister’s wedding, a fashion choice she neither approved nor appreciated.”

Esposito and his sweatshirt, which he referred to as “Dr. Warm Body,” were metaphorically and quite literally inseparable. That is, until Judith Sharp entered their lives. “I met Judith at a Halloween party and we hit it off,” Esposito explained. It was after their second date when Sharp asked to wear Esposito’s sweatshirt. “I let her because I trusted her. I wanted her to be in my life,” Esposito said. “Letting Judith wear Dr. Warm Body was like letting her into my soul.”

While their courtship initially seemed to be heading in an encouraging direction, Esposito began to feel the stars weren’t aligning by the fourth date. “We weren’t on the same wavelength in the most important areas. She hastily scoops her salsa, whereas I gingerly dip my chip into it.”  

Soon after, Esposito broke up with Sharp. He expected a quiet return of Dr. Warm Body, but found himself in for a rude awakening. “She said I ‘wasted her time’ and that she was keeping Dr. Warm Body,” Esposito revealed.

When asked for her reasoning into keeping the sweatshirt, Sharp explained, “He broke up with me because I scoop my salsa! I think I’m allowed to keep his dumb sweatshirt!”

Still, this did not ease the pain for Esposito. “I was in tears,” he said. “I didn’t know the last time I wore Mr. Warm Body would be our final embrace.”

When asked if he could ever bring himself to purchase a replacement for Mr. Warm Body, Esposito’s mourning seemed to evaporate. “I mean, yeah. It’s just a sweatshirt.”