by Elise Vondra
ANNENBERG BATHROOM STALL — Man, today is the best day ever. While I was trying to dissociate from my problems and hide from my personal devil, I found a bathroom stall with a fold down table so I can eat my lunch without being bullied.
And boy, oh boy, did I find Narnia in this small aluminum cubicle!
This bathroom has a table big enough to fit my entire lunch on it in the stall! How cool! It’s like the bathroom gods knew that Jessica was looking for me so she could call me a “dumb, fat, ugly, virgin slut.” That doesn’t really make sense, but when I told her that, she just dumped her soy latte on me.
I feel like I’m in a 5-star restaurant in here. Now when I cry, my tears fall into my lap instead of my food. I still can’t believe the bathroom people put in a table just for eating lunch without being emotionally and physically tormented.
Plus, there’s no one in here but me and a freshman juuling a couple stalls over. This is the most alone I’ve been at USC, and I’m savoring every moment of it, just like I’m savoring this bologna and mayonnaise sandwich.
Fuck, I hear Jessica’s voice. Oh man, she’s going to find me. Shit shit shit, she’s gonna start calling me “Bathroom Bologna Becky” because I’m eating bologna in the bathroom. Fuck, this was good while it lasted.