by Colton Stock
USC DIVISION OF BIOKINESIOLOGY – After nearly three decades of research, the USC Division of Biokinesiology and Physical Therapy has identified the surefire solutions to get any person to dance like a professional. Turns out that people diagnosed as “non-dancers” can actually dance by way of two methods: firewalking and cowboy confrontations.
Over the years, the research group performed multiple tests on subjects such as getting them drunk, having them do the musically guided Fitnessgram Pacer Test, or recently when the team implemented the rapper Pitbull as a featuring artist into top ten music charts in order to gather large data pools. These methods have all failed.
Today, the division has finally reached their goal. In-depth reports were compiled and substantiated by two teams of surveying scientists who were able to test the new methods numerous times in varying environments.
The first team discovered the placement of a flame directly under a bed of coals allows non-dancers to step onto the surface with bare feet and trigger an intense heat reaction, launching one foot upwards. In order to maintain balance, the other foot will remain on the hot coals until the first foot returns to the surface. Once the first foot returns, the second will react to the heat and fly up accordingly. This cycle repeats.
“Our goal was to make legs move up and down. The coals are what really make this approach feasible,” said Dr. Abvios Loogik, “and we observed placing a foot directly on a flame could pose danger.”
At the other end of the biokinesiology lab, the other team of researchers spent their time watching over 2,000 Western films. “We noticed early on that there was a recurring theme of cowboys shooting at people’s feet to make them dance,” said senior researcher John Woodhelm. “There is really no historical data on this phenomenon, but I do look at those scenes and imagine the fear would be quite a motivation to move my legs up and down.”
The research team remarked that subjects would never dance unless they were put into a state of mortal fear, either by the threat of fire or of being shot.
At press time, the USC Glorya Kaufman School of Dance announced the installation of “hot coal rooms” in their complex and the purchase of six shooters.