Local Dad Assures Frightened Toddler That Human Beings Are the Real Monsters

by Hannah Ceselski  |  photo credit

CALABASAS, CA — Local dad Robert Milligan was proud to fulfill his fatherly duties as his three year-old son Sam complained of “monsters in the closet.” Milligan comforted his son and reassured him that his closet was clear and the real monsters are in the people around him who he sees every day.

“I think this is really a teachable moment,” Milligan said while Sam clutched his teddy bear with trembling fingers. “I want him to know that his closet is as empty as the hearts of many of the passers-by on the street that will interact with him throughout his life.”

While Sam may be too young to understand the difference between fantasy and reality, much less the complexities and ambiguities of the human condition, Milligan doesn’t believe in coddling his children just to make them comfortable.

“The kid doesn’t know how good he’s got it,” said Milligan as he shushed his weeping child. “If he thinks the Boogeyman is bad, just wait until he hears about genocide!”

When asked to comment, Sam only said, “Daddy scary!” and toddled away to find his mother.

Milligan will continue to disperse his fatherly wisdom tomorrow night, when he will assure Sam that the monsters under his bed are no match for the evil thoughts that linger in his own mind.