“I Only Watch for the Commercials,” Says Least Interesting Guy at Super Bowl Party

by Joey Rayburn

PHILADELPHIA, PA – Everyone at Rebecca Huston’s Super Bowl party is brimming with excitement to watch the Philadelphia Eagles take on the New England Patriots, except for one soul-sucking accountant, Dick Lewis, who is “only here for the commercials.”

Lewis was invited by Huston, who is already regretting her choice. “I didn’t want to invite him at all,” asserts Huston. “Every party we invite him to, all he does is talk about the housing market.”

Lewis, who watches The Weather Channel for fun, was not aware of his fellow party guests sighing every time he walked by. ”You know what is more interesting than Tom Grady winning another ring? Why 2007 was the year everything fell apart for subprime mortgage loans,” Lewis said. “The commercials are the real show anyway! I just wish they didn’t squish them in between some boring football game,” said Lewis.

When asked why she even bothered to invite Lewis, Huston explained: “I knew if he found out I invited everyone in the office but him, he would cry to my boss like he did after I didn’t invite him to Wine Wednesday with the other girls from the office!”

Party guest Zach Asner, wearing an Eagles jersey and green-and-white face paint, couldn’t believe his ears “My entire existence has led to this moment,” Asner declared. “The Eagles finally have a chance to kick Brady’s ass and take home the gold and all Dick cares about is a 45-second Doritos commercial about a baby who shouldn’t even be eating chips?”

Throughout the night, Lewis continued to announce just how little he cared about the big game, much to the ire of his fellow party-goers. “Who’s playing, again?” Lewis asked in the third quarter, causing Asner to pop a blood vessel.