by Kim Rogers
LOS ANGELES– Local Captain Jack Sparrow and area Lucille Ball readied their home Saturday in anticipation of their annual neighborhood Halloween party. However, preparations ceased when Sparrow emerged from the bathroom, makeup bag in hand, to ask for help with his eyeliner.
Sparrow spent weeks perfecting the details of his costume, but was stumped when it came time to smear on the final detail. Wading through his wife’s lipstick tubes and eyeshadow palettes, the swashbuckler struggled to discern the difference between Tarte “Lights, Camera, Lashes Precision Longwear Liquid Liner” and Pop Beauty “Peak Performance Mascara.”
“Honey, how do you do a ‘smoky eye?’” asked the marauder, defeated.
According to Pew Research data, Sparrow is one of thousands of Captain Jack Sparrows nationwide who will require makeup assistance this Halloween.
“Look up,” Ball instructed her husband as he flinched away from her eyeliner pencil. Sparrow was shocked to hear that Ball blows through the ordeal herself in two minutes or less each morning.
With teary eyes, the pirate was decked out to greet party guests and trick-or-treaters. Sparrow even received compliments from Moana and a slutty Gavin Newsom.
At the end of the night, he faced a new challenge:
“Honey, how do I get it off?”