by Chai Karve
USC — Sleep is an oft-neglected aspect of college life. Getting 7 to 8 hours is essential, which is why Sack of Troy is proud to promote the Megan, a brand new white noise machine that you already have access to!
Megan will sit by your bedside and babble on endlessly about all kinds of white nonsense.
“So then Stacy came out of her room, wearing the same dress as me,” drones the Megan. “And I looked at her and I said, like, are you kidding me? I mean I didn’t say it, but I thought it, so I feel like a bitch, but wow it felt so right, you know?….”
Let the Megan lull you into a state of catatonic bliss. The noises that normally keep you up at night from outside your door or window will be drowned out by Megan’s boundless complaints about trivial problems that you couldn’t give less of a fuck about.
“I didn’t want to go to brunch, because I was busy,” continues Megan™, for some reason. “But I still wanted to be invited? Is that weird? It’s not. I’m right. Bree is being a bitch.”
But it doesn’t stop there. The Megan 2.0 will include even more features, like an adjustable income level dial and current relationship status dial. This will keep your white noise fresh but still irrelevant and boring.