Woman with Pockets in Dress Incapable of Talking About Anything Else

By Kylie Charney-Harrington

Hell-bent on demonstrating the utility of her stylish dress choice, local Laurel Hersey insisted on reminding every guest at a recent house party that her dress did, indeed, have pockets.

“Thanks! It has pockets!” Hersey proudly responded to every compliment on her black H&M shift dress, proceeding to pull her phone and set of keys out of the folds of her dress. According to sources present for the event, Hersey managed to bring up her pocketed garment even in conversations where it clearly wasn’t welcome.

“I’m honestly worried for Laurel,” said friend John Fraser. “She’s really interesting and funny in class, but of course that’s without the dress. I guess it’s cool that she can fit her lip gloss and a granola bar in there, but I didn’t need to hear about it every time. She said she wants to buy it in different colors, which I really think is going too far.”

“She just kept bringing it back to the pockets. Something about purses being for dumb sluts,” said confused purse-clutching acquaintance Alison Kim, who was subjected to the pocket conversation no less than three times over the course of the evening.

Despite repeated requests to comment, Hersey consistently dodged questions, preferring to stuff her hands in the feted fabric holes, twirl around and exclaim “See! They’re so useful!”