Selfish RA Keeps All the Good Condoms For Himself

by Hannah Ceselski

PARKSIDE A&H, FLOOR TWO – Senior Eric Ashford was glad to complete his resident assistant duties on Monday morning as he filled the bucket outside of his room with free condoms — and promptly kept the highest quality items for himself.

“I buy them, so technically, they are mine,” Ashford said, sorting Trojan Magnums from dollar store prophylactics. “I’m just sharing them with the residents. So don’t look a gift horse in the dic– uh, mouth.”

The generous third floor RA distributes entire $15 boxes, but Eric, a penny-pinching sex god, would rather purchase a smorgasbord of disappointing contraceptives just so he can get to the bone zone.

“That’s the beauty of the variety pack,” said Ashford as he cleared out the clearance aisle at the drugstore. “Every type of condom you could ask for, especially the ones you would never consider buying on their own.”

“What the hell are these? Banana flavored? Ultra ribbed?” said resident Tiffany Reese. “I’d rather get pregnant.”

Residents report the free bucket also features a surplus of butterscotch candies and tampons that you have to put in with your fingers.