Laundry Day Can’t Justify That Apocalypse of an Outfit

by Christine Politte

USC — When Curtis McCormick walked into his biology class on Friday sporting a tight, orange shirt with pink skinny jeans and a belt pack, jaws dropped. The sophomore claims this apocalypse of an outfit was a result of it being laundry day — a claim that witnesses said cannot justify the scale of the horror wreaked upon his unsuspecting classmates.

Fellow biology student Keesha Worthington averted her eyes to escape the atrocity, which was a disgrace to the cotton plants it was made from.

“Curtis was completely emotionless, like he didn’t even care what a monstrosity he’d become,” said Worthington, wearing a color-coordinated blouse and skirt that clearly hadn’t been pulled off the floor five minutes ago. “He said something about how those were the only clean clothes left in his closet.”

Clearly there’s something deeper at play here. McCormick’s mother, Samantha, could not think of any past trauma that could have caused her son to inflict such a trainwreck of an outfit on dozens of innocent bystanders.

“He was always such a good kid,” sniffled Samantha McCormick, tears dropping onto her fashionable but practical button-down. “Even when all his friends were getting into baggy pants or socks with sandals, he always stayed out of it. What did I do wrong?”

According to Justin Thompson, McCormick’s biology professor and mentor, the offender never let on that anything was wrong until the day he unveiled the scandalous outfit.

“Curtis was always a good dresser. A little sloppy sometimes, but everyone has bad days,” said Thompson, voice cracking as he brushed lint from his tasteful three-piece suit. “He did take a fashion elective last semester. I thought he was trying to grow as a person. But maybe he was just becoming radicalized, right under our noses.”

Wearing a stained t-shirt and faded jeans, McCormick brushed off these accusations, claiming he was “just really busy lately” and didn’t “see what the big deal is.”

“Look, I’ll get around to it this weekend, okay,” he said of remedying the complete disgrace he’d unleashed on humanity.

At press time, McCormick was sniffing the armpits of a shirt from the hamper to see if it was okay for one more use.