By Luca Soltero
LOS ANGELES, CA — In the October spirit, DPS has decided to dress up this year as actual cops. As Halloweekend is just around the corner, the Department of Public Safety has had its hands full trying to prevent the robbery of Amazon packages containing shitty Halloween costumes made by the small hands of poor underpaid children abroad. Luckily enough, campus security was able to intercept the poor robber who was attempting to steal twenty dollar Halloween Amazon packages in order to pay for his mother’s cancer treatment. The officers foiled his plan and the robber was gracefully beaten to near death by DPS officers in front of a student’s newly painted BMW 330i (6 speed manual) (far enough away for the blood not to ruin the paint job).
The Department of Public Safety has spent the year riotously defending front porches from what they refer to behind closed doors and on public Twitter accounts as the “lower class vermin of South Central.” In these dangerous times, DPS has been taking drastic precautions in an attempt to keep the students of USC safe. When asked what the department has been working on as of late, one DPS officer had a lot to say on the recent workload assigned across various units.
“We’ve really just been trying to plan on what we’re going to wear this weekend”, said officer Kenny Koughman. “Initially I was planning on dressing up as a ghost. I mean I have these big fancy white robes I used to wear back home but I don’t think that would be appropriate so the department decided we’d dress up as the next best thing… the LAPD ! Plus now when we shut down parties people might actually take us seriously!”
Following this shocking interview many have questioned the Departments move to dress all of its officers as the LAPD. How would students be able tell the difference between campus security and the LAPD? How would anyone be able to tell the difference? Why the LAPD? Will they still harass and bully the rightful residents of South Central the same? How can we ensure this?
As part of its new costume the DPS will now include body cameras on all of its LAPD costumes. None of which will record footage as real LAPD body cameras don’t work.