Aroused Senior Scours Internet for Hot Sexy Job Opportunities

by Chai Karve

ELLENDALE STREET – After a long day of lollygagging with his friends, senior Dustin Mazen went home with his mind on something hard. Incredibly hard. The job market for average college graduates. He hopped on the internet and began a sultry quest for smoldering new career opportunities.

Mazen has few prospects, but his fully erect ambition prompted a frantic plunge into the deepest bowels of LinkedIn, ZipRecruiter, Indeed, ConnectSC, and because he was feeling particularly nasty,

After a thorough search that prompted several tabs and a dozen or so over-the-shoulder glances at his locked door, Mazen finally settled on the one posting that would bear the brunt of his balls out quest.

Mazen started slow, to try and prolong the process. He had to pore through a variety of messy files on his desktop, all confusingly labeled Dustin_Mazen_Resume. After cursing himself for poor organizational skills, a fact not represented on his resume, he began banging out a glistening cover letter.

Mazen was getting closer. As he filled out all the basics fields; name, email, attach files here, he was ready to burst. He scrolled down, lower, deeper into the recesses of the human resources webpage, and hovered his mouse over the tiny button that would grant him release – “Submit”.

Submit, he did. And now, he’s finished.