Everybody Keeping Tabs on Guy in Trench Coat

by Joey Rayburn

USC – Today looked like it was going to be a breeze, up until the point when an unidentified man donning a trench coat leaned against the wall in Campus Center, throwing everyone’s serenity up in the air and inducing a swarm of whispers within the area.

“I don’t like this. I don’t like this one bit,” said Jackson Bryant, a student who frequents Panda Express. “What’s he got to hide that a regular coat can’t do it for him?”

Rebecca Marsh was meeting up with a friend for a “long overdue lunch” when she spotted the arcane stranger in the trench coat digging around in his pockets.

“We were horrified,” said Marsh. “I had no idea what he was about to do, but I was ready to use my friend as a human shield in case things went south!”

Luckily, the man only pulled out a packet of gum.

Later in the day the enigmatic outsider continued his rampage of suspicion after by smiling at Randy Murray, a student who once shared a life science class with the menace.

“He always gave me a real creepy vibe,” recalled Murray. “What’s he smiling at? What’s he planning under that cotton coat?”

After an incident in which the man reached into his satchel only to pull out his copy of Atlas Shrugged, Marsh decided it was too much for her to handle: “I just told my friend I had to split. I don’t feel safe as long as that creep-o-zoid is lingering around!”

At press time, the trench coat-wearing man was seen standing up to stretch his legs, causing everyone within a 60-foot radius to high tail it out of there.